you never know

When the pager goes off, you go.  You call the number, you get the location and you go.  You respond.  You are needed.  You answer.


Making initial visits is really a lot harder.  You knock on a door.  Will they want to see you?  Talk to you?  Will they be busy or hostile or needy or interesting?  You never know.


I made rounds on my floors today. Here's a snippet.


room 1 - Patient was in bed, typing on his lap top, watching TV.  He didn't look receptive for a visit, but you never know.  I introduced myself.  He grunted.  I talked about what chaplains could provide him, he typed.  OK.  I get it.  You are busy. 


room 2 - Patient's wife is in charge.  And she is not happy with the poor quality of Thanksgiving food served in this establishment.  She is irritated and wants someone to blame.  I nod and wish I'd picked another floor, and then she says I can pray with them.  Next thing you know we are all holding hands praying together.  You never know! 


room 3 - Patient's daughter dismisses me during my introduction.  No problem, I slip out.  But she follows me out and we sit in the hall together as she cries and asks advice on breaking bad news to her mom.  Then thanks me repeatedly for coming by.  You never know...


room 4 - Patient immediately invites me in.  So glad to see you!  And then embarks on the most confusing stream of conscience ramblings.  After I escape I read a bipolar diagnosis that helps put it all in perspective.  So glad indeed!  You never know. 


One thing I do know - I'm worn out!


Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Psalm 139:23

blockage

Recently in the hospital we had a very cute baby with a very big tummy.  Turned out he had a jujunal atresia blockage.  Because he will be with us awhile, and because I asked,  I got a fascinating diagram and lesson on the digestive process and the intenstines.  Who knew they were so important?  Seems a section of the jejunum flopped over at some point in development.  It cut off the blood supply to the next section of intestine which became necrotic.  (Are you as impressed as I am that I know these big words?)  Every thing built up until the blockage got too big and exploded, maybe during delivery, and just seeped all over the abdominal cavity.  Could have been fatal.  Luckily this little man was born in 2009 at this great hospital with amazing doctors and nurses and he is going to be just fine.  But it will take a couple of delicate surgeries and weeks of healing and treatment to get him right back on track.


I've been thinking about how dangerous blockages can be.  Physical ones of course, but also emotional blockages, relational blockages, spiritual blockages.  Anything that cuts off the healthy stream of growth and sustenance.  I'm paying more attention to necroticish areas of my life that need intentional healing.  And what I can do to increase absorption of all kinds of life-affirming nutrients.


That happy little baby with the just-right-sized tummy inspires me.


Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.  John 7:37, 38

wild animals

This was read one morning during our group devotional.  The simple word picture spoke loudly to me.  Be still, Erin....and know that I am God....


It comes the very moment you wake up each morning.  All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals.  And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other, larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in.  And so on, all day.  Standing back from your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.  CS Lewis

jack hammered

The time had come for us to sit before a committee and present a case study (verbatim and explanation) showing that we could demonstrate ministry competencies in each of the level one chaplaincy requirements.  My job was to answer all questions throughly and non defensively.  Their job was to fit all the accusations, critiques, suspicions, cross examinations and qualms they had about me into one hour.  To accomplish this they would have to jackhammer intensely on the rocky veneer of my soul.  


That's what it felt like anyway....


Nathan, who was peer representative for each of our case studies, will be glad to vouch that mine was the hardest and most probingly antagonistic.


Maybe not gladly, but if you twist his arm...


I managed to maintain composure until I was dismissed and walked into our safe haven of an office where I saw Cathie and Vicki's caring and sympathetic faces.  And then all the tears that the mean committee wanted to see flowed out.  I told them it was a combination of being the butt of a joke you don't get and being hit by a rogue meteorite.  Something like that....


I told my supervisor that I didn't see the benefit in this style of attackopanels from people who didn't even know me.  He thought it was very beneficial to have a fresh perspective based on first impressions, that I didn't have to accept everything that was said, that he thought I'd done well, and the group had unanimously voted that I passed level one.  So they must not have totally hated me.


hhhmmm.  So maybe it wasn't THAT bad.  But I will still wince whenever I see a jackhammer drilling poor, sweet, defenseless concrete.


As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.  Proverbs 27:17

two peas

During rounds today on my heart floor, I stepped into room 432.  I introduced myself to the 80 year old woman sitting up in bed.  She had long, scraggly grey hair in two ponytails, a big tooth challenged smile, a heavy southern accent and a very fresh scar above her heart peaking out of the top of her nightgown.  


I struggled to make conversation, looking for a connection, common ground,  some similarity to build on, to extend empathy from.  I floundered.  And attempted to end our awkward meeting with the question "Is there anything I can do for you, Miss Smith?"
She surprised me by saying "how about a prayer?"


Jesus, we thank you for your promise to be with us no matter where we are.  Today we claim that promise in this hospital room.  Thank you for the gifted doctors and nurses who were able to repair Miss Smith's heart.  Thank you that she can go home soon.  Until then, please fill her with Your peace.  May she know that peace even in this hospital room as she heals.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen.


Miss Smith squeezed my hand.  She looked up at me.  "I want His peace.  I ask for it.  I put myself in His hands, then the littlest thing happens and I grab it back.  Crazy huh?"


My jaw dropped.  This little, elderly, unfamiliar patient just spoke my challenge.  Word for word. Wow.  We were like twins on a spiritual battle field.  Two peas in a pod.


I sat down again beside her.  "Yes, It's crazy.  I do the same thing, Miss Smith.  Why do you think we do that?".....


Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6,7  NLT

parched

I miss blogging.  I blame the swine flu.  And the bustle around Thanksgiving.  Finishing a quarter of school.  And the end of A Fine Balance - enough to kill anyone's last creative spark.  And I blame the laundry.  And my sons homework.  And trauma pages when I'm on call and supposed to have free time to blog.  I blame the beautiful piles of leaves that had to be raked.  And how my bed sucks me in at the end of the day.  I blame migraines and stress.  The two funerals I got to be part of.  Reading about Korean Han.  My boys incessent need to eat.  Mostly I blame swine flu - evil, soul crushing beast.  I'm comforted to know that both Shakespeare and Vicki have struggled with writing blocks.  It's the season.  It's not from lack of material.  I have so many tiny creative ideas that sprout up from interesting experiences, but so far they haven't had the tenacity to break through.  It's coming though.....

You feed them from the abundance of your own house,  letting them drink from your river of delights.  For you are the fountain of life,  the light by which we see.  Psalms 36:8 and 9

daisy day

Loves me, loves me not, loves me, loves me not.  That's been my on-call evening.


I plan an after hours lap of the NICU, hoping to see parents I rarely see, staff I haven't met during my day time rounds.  At 7:00 I wash my hands, check my list, noting the names of new arrivals.  Then I start around.  Crib 1, baby girl.  Lift the pink sheet at the end of the incubator, note the name, peek at the face, coo at her if she is awake.  Crib 2, baby boy.  Lift the blue sheet...a nurse I've never seen is suddenly beside me.  "Can I help you?" she asks in her best "get the hell out of here" voice.  "Hi, I'm the chaplain, just making the rounds with the babies."  "Did you wash your hands?"  "Yes. (breathe)  And I'm not touching the babies, I just need to see their names."  She is now positioned between me and the baby.  "You still bring germs too close to them."  I look her squarely in the eye.  "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."  And then I keep walking.  loves me not.


On the other side of the room, another unfamiliar nurse steps up to me.  "Can I help you?  You look lost."  Please.  I live in this room.  I'm here every day.  But I smile.  "No just hoping to meet some new parents in here."  She is not hospitable.  "There will be no parents until 8:00 pm.  Why don't you try the lobby?"  as in out there.  I should have stood some ground.  But I leave.  loves me not.


I get paged to ICU.  To a room where grandma has just passed away.  Tears are quietly flowing.  I introduce myself and ask "is there anything I can do for you?"  They smile.  Keep us in your prayers.  "Could I pray with you now?"  They nod.  I rest my hand on grandma's blanket covered arm and talk to Jesus about her long life, the look of peace on her face, and the strength and tenderness her family members now need.  And just like that I'm in.  They tell me stories about her.  And ask what to do next.  And thank me for coming.  I feel Sally Field sized relief wash over my earlier hardships.  loves me.


As I leave their room I pass a frantic commotion in another ICU room.  Code blue.  A nurse grabs my arm and points me to the break room.  No time for words.  I walk into panicked family members.  The wife pulls me down beside her and says "pray, pray, pray."  So we do - intensely. Carefully chosen words.  "...let us know You are here.  Give us your strength, made perfect in our weakness....."  We are interrupted by a doctor with good news.  He's ok!!  I'm being hugged.  Nervous, adrenalined joy wells up.  I'm being hugged again.  loves me.


The next page on my pager will be the tie breaker.  What will it be?


How precious is your unfailing love, O God!  All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.  Psalms 36:7  NLT

white robes

     In Style, Glamour, People, Vogue - they all talk about the essential little black dress.  That important wardrobe staple that makes you look great, thin, sexy, fun.  It is a must for every fashionable woman.

     I've noticed a distinct lack of literature or advertising on the big, white lab jacket.  The big, white lab jacket is the exact opposite of the little black dress.  It is not flattering.  It envelops you from your neck to your knees.  It is not sexy.  It gets you labeled as "the bearer of bad news" and "the angel of death". 

     The big, white lab jacket is a nice barrier to possible germs from those we sit with, and the tears and snot of those we hug.  But I never think longingly about it, or hope for an occasion to wear it.  The only "must have" about this garment is a "I must have this washed now."

     I'm thinking that maybe God might need to come up with a different enticement for eternity-spanning clothing.  Right now one year of this white robe is all I can take.

After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.  Revelation 7:9 NIV